Regret
It was only a small gap in the trees that
separated us from the open field on the other side. A halo of light hung inches above the top of
the tree line, undulating to the irregular beat of music blasting from every
direction and ricocheting before finally clashing somewhere in the middle. Warm, sweet air brushed past me, propelled by
something just behind the trees. The
soft earth surrendered underneath my feet and wrapped around my new shoes, the
hay put out to control it already trampled and buried beneath the thick
sludge. As we neared the entrance, I thought about the regret I’d felt the last
time I passed through the opening in the trees, headed back to the car with an
oversized pink elephant stuffed under my arm and a cheap KISS mirror in my back
pocket. Neither one was able to serve as
a ransom for the one thing I didn’t have-the satisfaction of knowing I'd
conquered my fear.
I won’t chicken out this year.
I felt like Alice in Wonderland as I stepped
through the gap in the trees-teetering between excitement and fear.
“Watch where you’re stepping,” Mama’s voice
shot past me a moment too late as I tripped over one of the many black cables
spread out on the ground, running from large trucks where generators roared,
drowning out the music and screams as we passed. I scanned the crowd through
gaps in the lines and between rides as they spun and jerked around me, but I
couldn’t find what I was searching for. Tired
workers beckoned to the crowd with promises of cheap toys and even cheaper
compliments. Teenagers walked arm in arm
with new love, pretending their parents weren’t keeping a close eye on them
from the other side of the crowd. Mobile
food booths plastered with bright, weathered signs advertising funnel cakes and
corn dogs ran through the middle of the rides and games. Lines ran from each of them like spokes on a
wheel. I reached up and pulled on Daddy’s
shirt.
“Daddy, can I ride on your shoulders?”
“No, Sherri, why can’t you just walk with
your sisters?” he replied.
I only
stared at him, knowing that was all it would take for him to cave. In one swift movement, he grabbed me from
behind and raised me above his head, settling me onto his shoulders. Almost instinctively, I hooked my feet behind
his back and grabbed the top of his head to steady myself. That’s when I saw it-right past the rainbow
colored tent covering rows of fish bowls. Bonnie, a girl from my class, saw me
and held up an arm. Dangling from her
clinched fist was a plastic bag full of water.
Inside, an unfortunate gold fish slammed against the sides of the bag as
she waved. I waved back as I looked over
her head-just in time to see the circle of brightly colored horses, each
suspended from its own golden pole, come to a stop.
My arms relaxed and, while my hands began to
move to Daddy’s shoulders, my feet slid apart to hang loosely at his
sides. Sensing my shift in position, Daddy
reached underneath my arms and once again raised me above his head-this time to
plant my feet on the ground. Fear
enticed me to stay, but regret begged me to go.
My nails cut into the palms of my hands as I clenched my fists tightly and
ran-leaving both fear and regret behind.
I could feel Daddy chasing after me but couldn’t hear him calling. I heard nothing but my own voice repeating the same three words over
and over to the rhythm of the haunting pipe organ music as I ran toward it.
It is time.
It is time.
It is time.
